The Closer

Football:
It’s been a good football season so far. It’s been difficult to see which teams are good and which are bad. (Woah, incredible insight. I write like a four-year-old.) Everytime you think a team has “figured it out” (i.e. the colts) they turn around and disappoint the next week. We are 1/4th (4 games out of 16 games reduced to lowest terms) of the way through the season, and no team has pulled away at all. I guess it’s too early, but even the teams that are 3-1 haven’t been very consistent.

I like the Ravens, Steelers, and Jets in the AFC. There’s a joke in here somewhere about Ray Lewis being a murderer, Ben Roethlisberger being a rapist, and Antonio Cromartie having a billion illegitimate children…but I won’t go there…oh I guess I just did.

Baseball:
The Yankees stumbled into the playoffs, losing 9 of 11 or something like that. They nabbed the Wild Card and start game 1 tomorrow against Minnesota in Minnesota. Let’s go position by position for my ULTIMATE BASEBALL PLAYOFF PREVIEW PT 1:

Catcher (haha, catcher): Jorge Posada vs. Joe Mauer
Posada is juuuuuuuuuuust about 95 years old. He thinks he can still catch but I, along with just about everyone else in the world including his wife and children, beg to differ. He is also the slowest thing in the world. Like, nothing in the world is slower than Posada. List of things he is slower than:

1. Time. Let’s imagine you haven’t slept for 48 hours and you go into work in the morning completely demolished. That 8 hour day will seem like a millennium, right? It will still pass by faster than Jorge Posada “moving” towards first base.
2. Death. There are many theories on what happens when you die, but I think we can all agree that wherever you go, whether it’s hell, heaven, or nowhere, you are there forever. And all you do is watch clips of Jorge posada running. And then you realize you are in hell.
3. Poop. Literally, if there was a race between the slowest piece of shit in the world and Jorge, from someone’s butthole to the toilet water, it would be a photo finish and the poop would win.

What else is he slower than? Comment below.

Posada’s so called “strength” is his hitting. He’s hit a whopping .248 this year. Awesome! On the other hand, Joe Mauer won the AL MVP last year and is the best catcher in the league.

Edge: Mauer by a mile

1st base: Mark Teixeira vs. Michael Cuddyer
Mark vs. Michael. This has to be the whitest matchup on the entire list. The Yankees catch a break, because the regular 1b for the Twins Justin Morneau is out for the postseason. Tex is pretty good, but really kinda choked last year in their championship run. He would’ve taken much blame if the Yankees didn’t win in 09.

Edge: Yankees by a half-mile

2nd base: Robby Cano vs. Orlando Hudson
This is where the Yankees pwn the Twins. Cano is the best defensive and offensive 2nd baseman in the American League. He is an mvp candidate who will ultimately fail miserably in the playoffs. But he’s ROBBIE CANO DON’T YA KNOW?

Edge: Yankees by 2 miles

SS: Derek Jeter vs. JJ Hardy
Hardy has a funny name. Jeter is the all-time postseason leader in games, hits, runs, and 3rd all-time in homeruns. That’s a crazy stat that Yankee fans might be embarrassed to hear. It gives more ammo to those who think the Yankees just buy their way into the playoffs every year. Hey, that rhymed!

Oh, and Jeter is oldddd.

Edge: Yankees by 8 years

3B: Alex Rodriguez vs. Danny Valencia
If I was given a nickel every time I heard the name Danny Valencia, I would have 0 nickels. I still don’t believe he exists even though I googled the Minnesota Twins lineup and saw his name printed on the Twins website. I am still convinced that the Twins play with a 3 man infield.

As for A-rod, he had the best postseason of his career last year and carried the Yankees to a WS title. But since then he broke up with good luck charm Kate Hudson and started dating Cameron Diaz. I’m not sure if that was a fair trade, but if the Yankees fail we can clearly put the blame on Diaz. There’s something crappy about Mary.

Edge: Yankees by 2 miles

OF: Swisher/Granderson/Gardner vs. Kubel/Span/Young
The outfield has been weak for the Yankees the past few years. It’s been the infield and pitching that has carried them. But goddamn look at that pu-pu platter of an outfield the Twins are fielding. I actually think the only way these guys have an impact on the series is if they make a serious mistake.

Edge: Even

Starting Pitchers: CC/Pettitte/Hughes/Burnett vs. Liriano/Pavano/Duensing/Blackburn
It’s all about pitching in the playoffs. The Yankees don’t have it, but the Twins don’t have it more. CC is the only dependable one out of the 8 pitchers. Therefore the Yankees have the edge.

Edge: Yankees by a foot

Bullpen: Rivera and company vs. Capps/Rauch/Fuentes and company
I understand Rivera is the best closer of all time. But he is almost 41 years old, which is like 74 in baseball latino years. And Capps/Rauch/Fuentes have all been good closers in the past few years. That’s a pretty damn good setup for innings 7,8,9. Yankees have 9 locked down, but nothing else.

Edge: Twins by a mile and a half

Manager: Joe Girardi vs. Ronny G
Now this is a matchup that is really really uninteresting. I think Joe overmanages, trying to play every single play like it’s going to determine a win or loss. Ron, on the other hand, just looks so boring that I want to fall asleep whenever they put him on camera. I bet he reads the dictionary in his spare time. I always picture him with his old man reading glasses, sitting in a rocking chair by the fireplace, reading the dictionary cover to cover, and occasionally saying “hhmmm” every time he comes across a word he finds interesting.

Edge: They both lose by a mile to themselves.

I refuse to predict this series because I have a rooting interest in it. What do you guys think? Who will win this series and in how many games (best of 5)?

Preview of other series:
Phillies/Reds: It’s a cool story that the Reds are in the playoffs for the first time in 15 years. But the story ends here. Phillies in 3.
Giants/Braves: Braves are good, Giants pitching is sick. Giants in 4.
Rays/Rangers: Rangers suck. Rays in 3.

Food for thought:
If the WNBA season goes by and nobody sees it, did it really happen?

That's all for now!

Youtube:


What an awkward interview! That last line has been said many times by Gottlieb before, just not in that circumstance.

-jk